09 August 2011


So I felt completely guilty today. Quite guilty.


I realize this guilt's existence in my (smallish) brain is quite justified. QUITE justified. A friend told me recently that I have many fun, often creative, sometimes useful, and, on very rare occasions, good ideas. But then she said something that has not ceased to bother my little self in quite a while.

"You have all these ideas! But then you never actually follow through with any of them."

Now, my little heart nearly dropped all over my honey-brown wooden floor as I sat in my chair and stared at that very same honey-brown wooden floor. It was so true.

Never, well RARELY, do I follow through with the things I say, plan, proclaim that I will do. WHY!?  What's even worse is that this means that I am one of those. YES. One of those...

The unreliable friend.

OHMYGOSH I can barely look at the words I've just typed. OHMYGOSHOHMYGOSH! It's true! I am unreliable! Oh goooodness gracious. I am going to need some type of chocolate laden SOMETHING as I ponder this.

Okay no seriously eating your feelings, I am told, is not the answer. But actually chocolate at any time of the day is just a lovely thing. And well, I am personally a lively supporter of the dark chocolate against  free radicals brigade. Whatever in the world a free radical is, I am not sure, but you see chocolate is somehow the answer to the stopping of these little rascals.

Anyways. Back to my life fail. I've decided that I cannot, absolutely CANNOT ccontinue to be an unreliable daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, uhmuhm... american citizen! voter! recycle-er! erm...reader! No more books half finished! Jane Eyre-HERE I COME!!

I WILL NOT BE UNRELIABLE! However, in keeping with my idiotic unreliable nature, I am obviously horrendous at keeping resolutions and the like. So this declaration against unreliability actually cannot be anything like a resolution. MAIS NON! This has to be an actual change in behavior. And for that, there is only one place to go.

ANTHROPOLOGY! hehe okay noooo. Je rigole, je rigole, I jest, dear friend, I jest.
I'd be lying through my brace-free (for six years now!) lil teeth if I told you that I drew my strength, determination, and purpose from anywhere except God. In fact, there's less of me doing anything, and more of Him doing everything. Reading the Bible, as nun-ish as that sounded to me in my wee years, has come to mean the world to me. It's that powerful. It's one of the primary ways I connect to God. [ and He is preeeeety darn cool. Sense of humor too, right Lord?! hehe :) ]

So it is with this strength, His strength, that I will find the ability to be reliable. Afterall, Jesus was the most reliable person ever. He came to this place, with idiotic unreliables like me running around, and chose to die for us. He had the choice to not be killed, but chose to let Himself be led to the cross because He. cared. that. much. Without Him, I wouldn't have my relationship with God.

Now that's the kind of reliability I look towards. That's the kind of reliability I want to grow to display and live and be.  I am not much of a risk taker. ( Helmut, seat belt, and SPF 30 all day, errday.) But Jesus' kind of proactive reliability is something I want. And I'm willing to make changes to do that. So here's to BEING RELIABLE. Starts NOW.

impromtu mini rap for motivation:

free radicals G?
nah, I wanna be radically free
of my stupidity
my unreliability
its my passivity
taking hold of me
hot diggi-ty.

So whoopwhoop there you go.
Im a changing woman, yo.


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